Don't panic!

OK, don't panic. I've gained a pound but the key is not to panic. Even though there were times last week I thought I was going to pass out with hunger and I haven't eaten anything fattening for 3 weeks, clearly something went wrong somewhere. DON'T. PANIC.

It could be the wine I suppose. I drank wine on Friday and Saturday night which probably didn't help but I thought I'd have given myself enough of a buffer zone following 5 days of good behaviour. Perhaps it was the double noodle blocks I've been adding to my stir fries. Maybe I really only can have one at a time. I've heard that when you deprive your body too much it panics and goes into 'fat storage mode' whereby anything you eat gets grabbed hungrily and stored up in case you really are about to start starving. Maybe it was that?

Whatever the reason, I have to accept it and NOT give up. Under no circumstances should I go down the usual path of 'Oh well if I've gained then I'll just bloody well eat what I like' in the manner of a sulking child. I must stick to my path and try harder.

I have had online Weight Watchers membership for months and never really used it, however I think it's about time I did. I have logged my weight today (13 stone 9lb - grrr) and tracked what I've eaten so far. I'm allowed 22 points per day and have so far had 10. I want to save 4 (max you're allowed to save per day) which means I have to think of a dinner for 6 points. I'm not sure I can face another stir fry so perhaps I'll do roast veg and mozzerella. If I only have one sweet potato I can do this for about 6 points.

It's really disappointing to gain in your second week, particularly when you have tried SO hard but I want this, I know I do and although I feel resentful and angry now, if I give up I'll only feel worse in the long run.

Food for today:
1 bowl Kelloggs variety pack cereal
Tesco Light Choices fruit bar
Can tomato & basil soup
2 slices toast + butter (bad!)
Roasted veg with balsamic & mozzerella
Tea, Diet Coke

Stressed

This week has been really, really hard. I think I've been hungry every minute of every day, bar the 5 minutes immediately after each meal. Today I've had a bowl of variety pack cereal, a coffee, a tea and a diet coke and I'm FAMISHED (it's 11.30am). When will this get easier? When will my over-stretched stomach shrink and allow me to be 'normal'? I can't handle this constant craving and the physical PAIN of being so hungry but I can't eat any more during the day or this just won't work. I am tempted to weigh myself tomorrow morning (Sat) just to try and see how things are going. But then if I haven't lost or have gained it'll be game over and I'll binge, I just know it.

I hate girls with fast metabolism and good genetics. I hate leggy, thin-waisted girls who can lie in bed eating Dominos and not gain a pound. I hate girls who sit near me at work and stuff their faces with crisps and full fat sodas and resolutely wear size 8 jeans. I have been cursed both in the physical and emotional sense with food.

My father has struggled with his weight all his life. Aged 15 he weighed 15 stone and was put on a special diet to which he has adhered for the rest of his life. He never has butter or marg, he eats fruit 4 times a day, he eats grapefruit for breakfast, he never has fry-ups. My mum is vegetarian so his diet contains very little red or fatty meat. His only vice is a beer or a glass of wine at home after work. This is obviously the frugal existence I am going to have to endure because I am completely, but COMPLETELY my father's daughter. I am nothing like my mother (except in her tendency towards extreme worry and feelings of guilt). My brother on the other hand is blonde and slender like my mum. There's no justice.

This weekend I can hopefully keep myself busy and away from the fridge by starting to sort things out for my house move. I need to take things to the charity shop and pick up some boxes. Saturday night is my flatmate's birthday drinks, then Sunday I'm helping her carry home a load of stuff from Argos and she's in all day which will not allow me the secrecy to binge. This is a good thing.

Food for today:
Small bowl of cereal
Can of low fat soup
Piece of plain brown bread
Tesco low fat bar
Stir fry veg & noodles
Probably a couple of glasses of wine (first alcohol since Saturday)

Struggling today

Today is a toughie. I've been hungry since I woke up this morning and it's not getting any better (it's 4pm). A trick I used last time I did this was buy Kellogg's variety packs of cereal and have a box of those at work in the morning which is about 30g. This obviously saves you from having a ridiculously large bowl but it's frankly not enough. Neither was the Tesco bar thing, the can of low fat soup or the piece of bread. I haven't got anything else with me, thank goodness and I'm not about to pillage the kitched for free bread because I'll hate myself afterwards. Why does this happen? Why is it so easy to get through one day and so hard to get through the next. I'm not very busy today so perhaps it's boredom. I'm trying to fill up on water and Diet Coke.

I recently got my shoulder-length hair cut into a chin length bob which I love. I had it trimmed last night but it seems to be a lot shorter than last time which is going to take some getting used to. As I say, I do love the cut (and so I should for £65) but I tend to hide behind my hair and feel that to carry off this sharp bob I should be a waspish 1920's flapper type as opposed to...well, me. I worry that at the wrong angle it could make my face look chubby but I'm really trying not to think about this. Part of me is worried that men may not fancy me with shorter hair, but the majority of me thinks 'good'. Frankly, after my shocking break-up experience of earlier this year, the last thing I want is to be around men. I think this may be why I've over-eaten so much this year - I have a theory that while I'm fat I can use it as an excuse as to why men don't like me and blame them for their shallowness whereas in actual fact I'm just hiding behind my rolls as a reason not to try. I am still very fragile but getting chatted up now and then would be nice for the ego and that's just not going to happen while I'm carrying extra weight.

Food for today:
Variety box of cereal
Tesco Light Choice bar
Can of low fat tuscan bean soup
Piece of plain brown bread
Stir fry veg with noodles
Activia yogurt

Not happy with the heat...

Quick post as am dashing off to hairdressers.

I'm still feeling very positive about the diet and almost feel like I might actually stick to it this time. I know it's early days but I want to be slimmer so badly I don't think I can let myself down again. Now the weather is nice, my female colleagues in the office are wearing their summer dresses and flip flops while I am swathed in black jeans, a long top and a black cardigan. This is reason enough to stick to the veg and water.

Food for today:
Bowl of Oat So Simple with semi skimmed milk
Salad with green leaves, feta, hummus, tomatoes, and a small tortilla wrap
2 satsumas
Stir fried veg with noodles
Tea, diet coke

My first weigh in

I am astonished and thrilled to discover I have lost 6lb. My weight is now 13 stone 8lb. My week of carb-reduction, alcohol avoidance (up until 2 glasses of wine Friday night and about 4 vodka & diet lemonades on Saturday) and general monitoring of portion size seems to have worked. I also did a huge amount of walking because I was flat hunting but nothing that could be considered particularly strenuous so I'm not really counting that.

This loss has really spurred me on. I'm ridiculously enthusiastic about the diet now, and so far today have had a small bowl of cereal, a can of low fat tomato soup and a piece of plain brown bread. Tonight will probably be a stir fry with noodles again. I am accepting hunger pains and drinking water when they strike (which often eases them, if only temporarily). I am trying hard not to mention the diet to too many people as I'd rather keep it for me and gradually feel my clothes get looser and watch my weight reduce. It shouldn't be something I do so other people will be impressed; it should be a private thing. Not saying I don't want people to notice when it gets a lot lower, of course!

This week should be a relatively easy one to do. I am only out for drinks on Thursday night but intend to stick to my vodka & diet fizz plan. I just can't afford the kcals of wine at the moment. Plus I should get less drunk doing that! This weekend is my flatmate's birthday but again, it's only drinks out so should be easy to manage.

I have put an offer in on a flat which has been accepted (rental) and I move in 3 weeks. I currently share but this will be living alone again which I've really missed. I am excited but also trepidatious as living with a health-conscious flatmate has made me curb a lot of my binge tendencies. As I've mentioned, I am ashamed of eating so am only happy when I can do it in private. Once I live alone there will be no outsider judging my habits (in my head she does this - in reality of course she doesn't) and therefore no shame to be felt on being caught with a takeaway or chocolate bar. I hope I am motivated enough by weight loss to stick to it but it's definitely going to be a challenge.

Food for today:
Bowl of Special K
Can of low fat tomato soup
1 slice plain brown bread
1 bag M&S count on us crisps
Roasted veg with low fat mozzerella ball
Activia yogurt
Tea, diet coke

4 days in...

Food for yesterday:
Bowl of fruit & fibre
Tesco Light Choices bar x 2
Can of Healthy Choice Tuscan Bean soup
Piece of plain brown bread
Egg noodles x 2
Stir fried veg
Activia Strawberry yog
Tea, diet coke

No post yesterday as work was ridic and I then had a flat viewing to try and get to by 7pm which was greatly hindered by the ludicrous tube strike. Fortunately on the way into and out of work I was able to get a seat on the bus, even if the bus took 4 times as long as normal to make it's journey. I'm not happy that I consumed 2 blocks of those egg noodles last night but I was utterly famished. Must try to only have 1 of them tonight.

My worst time for food is without doubt the weekend. I struggle so much with boredom, 'treats', loneliness (sometimes) and just general vegging out in front of the TV temptation that I tend to overeat in vast quantities. I am in on my own on Friday night - a killer time for take away and wine. I intend to not drink (haven't drunk since last Sunday and will not be drinking until Saturday - it's Thursday today) and I will try and cook something healthy but delicious for myself (I've been told this exists). Maybe a WW vegetable curry or similar. Saturday night the girls are round for pre-going out snackage. This will involve pizza, houmous, pitta breads, Pringles, wine and so forth but I am going to try and avoid it. Instead I'm going to buy a bottle of Martini and have it with diet Lemonade to avoid the wine kcals and eat toast or something instead of gorging. This may not work but I've got to try!

Was tempted to weigh self this morning but mustn't do it more than once a week. Mondays are my weigh in day so I'll just have to resist until then.

Food for today:
Bowl of Fruit & Fibre
Tuscan Bean soup
Piece of plain brown bread
Tesco Light Choice bar
Boots Shapers crisps
Stir fried veg
Egg noodles
Tea, Diet coke

Mind Games

Yesterday was a challenge. I shouldn't be surprised, I've done enough 'first day of diets' to know that the overwhelming senses are deprivation, resentment and above all hunger. Apart from a small piece of granary toast yesterday evening whilst I waited for my vegetables to roast (I was desperate), I stuck to the day's allocation of food.

I saw a programme last week about weight loss which was in the form of a series of experiments and case studies to illustrate each of the ten tips they were giving. They were pretty self-explanatory but then even I know that the way to lose weight is to consume fewer calories than you use but if it was that easy we'd all be models so clearly a programme pointing out the obvious has it's place.

One tip that really struck me was the trick of using smaller plates for your food to help reduce portion size. I have a set of pasta bowls given to me by my mum and one of them could bail out a mid-sized rowing boat in about 3 scoops. I generally fill one of those with pasta, ladle my home made tomato sauce over the top (healthy until I add my heaps of parmesan) and scoff it down in front of Eastenders. Obviously I'm trying to avoid pasta but even so I have switched to a much more reasonable set of plates which are probably about 3" less in diametre than the aforementioned. The idea is your brain is tricked into thinking it's had loads because the small plate is full so it tells your stomach you've had enough.

Last night I was fine up until about 9.30pm then I had to have a Horlicks because I was about to tear the flat apart, Hulk-style trying to find something sweet to 'take the edge off'. Considering my flatmate has a giant Toblerone in her cupboard (she's the sort of person who can have a piece then put it back - mental) I count it as a great achievement that I opted for the 40kcal drink.

I'm pleased to report that so far today (it's 4.45) the hunger pains have been minimal.

Tomorrow is the start of a 2 day tube strike which will be utterly infuriating, however it means I'm planning to walk to and from work from Victoria, a good half hour each way which could be the burst of exercise my first week of weight loss needs.

Food for today:
Small bowl of Fruit & Fibre with semi skimmed milk
Salad of green leaves, cucumber, tomatoes, assorted seeds, feta, houmous & small tortilla wrap
1 Tesco Light Choices fruit bar
Roasted veg & half a low fat mozzerella ball
Tea, diet coke

Here we go again...

I need to lose weight. Again.

In the last 12 years I have lost weight over and over again, normally using Weight Watchers and have lost anywhere from 2 stone to 5 stone a time. Unfortunately I never attack the root cause of my weight gain, namely the emotionally-triggered compulsive eating, and only the symptom of it, namely my fat arse. This of course means that after a time, usually about six months after I reach my goal weight, the old habits creep back and I am once again bingeing, eating in secret, consuming entire blocks of cheese in an evening and drinking gallons of wine in a week.

Today I weigh 14 stone or 196lbs which is just completely disgusting. I am 5ft 9" (and a girl, by the way) which is good because my height means I do tend to carry the weight a bit better but I still have a soft little second chin, my upper arms are slung with bingo wings, I don't so much have a muffin top as a cottage loaf, my arse hangs generously off bar stools, my thighs are dappled with cellulite and I have Alan Partridge 'back fat'. I cannot wear nice clothes, I cannot expose my chunky calves or rounded shoulders when it's warm without feeling upset. I turn 31 in August and I do not want to hit my birthday weighing what I weigh now. I want to lose 2 stone by my birthday (11 weeks, figure 2lb a week, that's 22lbs, almost 2 stone) and a further stone after that. I want to be 11 stone by the end of this year, so I have roughly 6 months to lose 42lbs.

The reason for this self-indulgent blog is two-fold. Firstly, I figure it could be cathartic; sending out my little missives and general thoughts into the blogosphere could help me feel counselled in some way and it might help me work out the reasons why I overeat. Secondly, I want to be able to track my progress and feel motivated when I (hopefully) look back at what I've achieved. Since last summer I have tried repeatedly to start a diet and have failed every time. I am going to loosely base this on the Weight Watchers Points programme, because after 12 years of doing it, it's just part of my subconscious now, however I want to tweak it a bit. For example, I adore carbs to a quite ridiculous degree. White toast dripping with butter, jacket potatoes swimming in beans and cheese, steaming bowls of pasta smothered in chunky sauces and drifts of parmesan, mountains of creamy risotto... I want to avoid these and additionally shrink my portion sizes, another major problem area.

Hopefully this blog will develop into a genuinely useful, motivational exercise. I am at the end of my tether and frankly am a cheese baguette away from bolting myself into my flat and never coming out.

Food for today:
Small bowl of Fruit & Fibre with semi-skimmed milk
1 can of Tesco Healthy Choice tomato soup
1 Tesco Healthy Choice fruit bar (4pm energy crash)
Roasted veg inc sweet potato, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, half a low-fat mozzerella ball
Tea, diet coke